Refuge

I feel surrounded by death. I have attended more memorials in the past eight or nine months than in my entire life, and my mind is filled every waking moment of when my own time will come.

Yesterday I underwent surgery; a procedure to remove a bone in my left foot. The doctors hooked me up to an IV, they placed monitors on my chest, and I stared at a screen that pulsated with sharp lines that signified my heartbeat.

I felt so fragile. In those moments I felt as though I was on the brink of my final moments in this world.

I have had serious issues of faith with the holy name. But in those precarious moments, as I cast around for anything to take shelter of - anything - my mouth formed the holy name. I didn't even speak it out loud, just formed the syllables with my mouth.

And I realized: the holy name will never abandon me.

Moments before the anesthesia took over, I relished the holy name in my mind. I felt at peace to know that if my last cognizant thought was of the holy name, my life was - and is - complete.